He impregnated me with his SEED… It penetrated me deeply. As the days passed it grew day by day until the birth pains were too much for me to bear. When I gave birth, I could not believe what had come out of me. Its reflection, my reflection was so far from what I imagined it would be…
A part of my testimony of God’s AWESOME protection and ability to renew and reconcile me to Him is the fact I was stalked online and offline; I understood what cyber bullying was way before it was given a name. I was verbally and mentally abused, placed in immediate physical danger, cheated on with both females and males (I learned later on) and financially went into debt because of my connection to my ex.
I met the embodiment of what used to my greatest temptation when I was 19. His seed was not that of the biological kind that had impregnated me. It was SIN…and its byproducts were words and thoughts of doubt, low self esteem, condemnation, self loathing and deceit. When I finally came to the knowledge of what had slowly been happening to me over a period of almost 10 years.… I feared I had lost a part of myself that I would never be able to regain. The true sense of who I am and my ability to trust and love another.
In some ways my soul had been so entwined with my ex’s, I could not tell, where I began and he ended. The root of it all was I was unequally yoked. I was saved, he wasn’t.
However, back then when I first met him, I was impressible and naive though I may have never had admitted it. At first I was just flattered by his advances. I had lived a very sheltered life and he was just my flesh’s type. What I mean he was tall, just shy of 6 ft, and very handsome.
At that age I had thing for “pretty bad boys”. Many girls my age had a thing for them. My ex was a textbook “pretty” with the fair skin and curly hair to boot. He favored two of my junior high through high school crushes, the singers Christopher Williams and Al B. Sure. Born in Haiti, but most people thought he was from the Dominican Republic. His Brooklyn accent had a hint of Caribbean to it. He was athletic, played football throughout high school and softball for his company team. You get the picture; he was fine by all appearances…
My ex however saw through my mask of vibrato and knew which buttons to push to increase my interest in him beyond the physical…
My ex however saw through my mask of vibrato and knew which buttons to push to increase my interest in him beyond the physical…
When we met he was working towards obtaining a degree in Business and also employed full time by a major corporation. Though he worked in production his charismatic personality and diligent work ethics were helping him to quickly climb his way up the ranks. His job was unionized and had benefits. By age 18 he had his own car, had moved out on his own; yet was still very close to his mother and his family. I thought I had hit the jack pot! I had always been very family oriented and wanted to be in a relationship with someone that felt the same way.
However from the jump I sensed something just was off. At “Hello” he was trying to get in my pants.
Before even meeting him face to face (he had found me online via an instant message program), I had told him in our communications, that I thought he was probably a player now or had been back in high school. He was a bit older than me at age 21.
He laughed it off and asked “Why did I think that?” classic player type response to avoid the obvious, that he was in fact a player! However, again as I said I was flattered and curious and didn’t see what harm it would be just to meet him once…
In the mid-90s meeting someone online was not as dicey as it is now. I have actually had some great experiences meeting individuals that had similar interests to me that I may have never met if it had not been for the internet. Individuals to this day I am still friends with after 10+ years.
Yet, as the old saying goes… “If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck. It must be a duck.” My ex attempted to duck the fact he was a player.
He never officially asked me out. It was assumed that from the time we met I was his. My ex was very possessive towards me; though he was very secretive about his doings. I was an open book while he was always a mystery. I made the mistake early on to give him husband like privileges. From my body, to money to my actions he had a say. At one point during our relationship he actually lived with me while I paid in part both of our bills. In my mind I thought I was investing in a future with him. He painted a picture that we would be married sooner than later.
We actually broke up three times through out our history. The first should’ve been the last. He had left me stranded at one of his friend’s houses after we had, had our first encounter. I felt unsafe so I left in the middle of the night and was cussed out and call all kinds of names by him the next day. He made me feel like dirt.
It was about a year from that experience that he attempted to contact me again. This was just before my father passed away suddenly and so my ex had never gotten the opportunity to meet him. I have a feeling if my dad would have met him the same red flags I had felt he would have too. Though I know in my heart I was too far gone to even have listened to my father’s wisdom in the matter.
After my father’s passing in January 2001, I was so hungry for the need to feel secure again in a relationship, that I allowed my ex completely back into my life. I laugh at myself because I have always kept journals. Sometimes I am faithful in writing them daily and other times I have just picked one up when I needed to pour out my heart and went on an all out writer’s spree. When those times have come I have locked myself in a safe place with just my notebook and a pen and just cleared my head onto the pages.
When I go back to read my journals during this crucial time in my life I can see in them where my thoughts began to become directly influenced by my ex and how warped they had become…
Fast forwarding 7 years. I had been working in full time ministry for two years. My ex was actually the reason why I decided to look for my own home church after. He asked me one day when we were in the middle of disagreement the last time I had read my bible. I couldn’t recall. At that point I knew something was wrong. I started to look for a brook to get fed at again. Growing up my mother took me to a little neighborhood Baptist church. I never felt truly at home at it so, I knew I would not go back to it. I had since stopped back sliding with my ex. He no longer lived with me. I had cut him off financially. However, he still had ties to my heart…
To be continued…in Part Two.
© 2012 Lela Jefferson Fagan – http://www.memoirsofablackgirl.com
The day before Oji and I were to be married, we were in a car accident. No fault of our own. No one was injured, Praise God! However, the event was jarring none, to say the least.
Our rental car only had minimal damage, and its repairs were fully covered with no strings attached by our insurance company.
The lesson that rung the loudest for both of us was the importance of employing divine protection…
Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God
Psalms 91
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”
Six months earlier…
Shortly after, we confirmed our wedding date and venue; we also made the decision that we would rent a car and use that car as our primary means of transportation. By renting a car, we were able to keep a bundle of our travel and transportation costs down. We were also able to make our journey from downstate New York City to Niagara Falls, NY and Canada an intimate road trip for just the two of us.
Initially we thought we may have family accompany us up, but in the end, it was just God, Oji and Lela (Team G.O.A.L.) Prior to our trip we had not seen each other’s face for about six months! So we used the run up to reconnect, talk and also do some pit stops along the way visiting with family and friends before our wedding day.
Throughout our wedding planning process, we sought God’s knowledge and guidance and came in agreement with each other in prayer. Oji and I prayed about each aspect of our wedding coordination. We knew that our attitudes, the words we spoke and our actions would play crucial roles in how everything would turn out, and we did not want to restrict any benefit God was preparing for us in the end!
CRUNCH Time!
When the accident occurred we were only about a half hour away from Niagara Falls. We had watched for a few exits a trio of cars seemly racing each other in front of us. My now husband, the established highway driver provided additional space between us and the vehicles ahead just in case. That bit of wisdom saved us because the last of the three cars decided to make an illegal U-Turn before an exit. At seeing this Oji slowed down and applied the brakes. However, the car behind us tapped into our fender causing visible damage. CRUNCH!
As a Football coach, Oji has taken many a road trip to conduct scouting and attend games, so he knows how to handle himself behind the wheel.
After he checked, to make sure I was ok he went to assess the damage to our vehicle and the welfare of the other drivers. A third car had almost hit the one that hit us because of the quick break and ended up being an unbiased observer.
Though both Oji and my emotions were raised at the moment of the crash… I did immediately feel a sense of calmness and peace come over me. I remembered at that moment how we had employed divine protection and pled the blood of Jesus before each segment of our journey!
The devil knew that our marriage would be a threat to the kingdom of darkness and to him. That is why he attempted distraction us at some more than 24 hours before we would exchange our vows. It didn’t work though the experience; only strengthen our resolve in the knowledge of God’s infinite love for us and his protective power.
© 2012 Lela Jefferson Fagan – http://www.memoirsofablackgirl.com
I am learning that submission in marriage only works when you actually do it. And the “S” on my undergarments only stands for “Spanx”, not “Superwoman”. Now let me explain, I grew up in a household where my parents were separated for most of my life…
My father was there because I was one of those children that demanded you be involved in my life. To me my mother was a Superwoman. We didn’t have much financially. However, she always had a roof over our heads; kept a decent house and food in the fridge and clothing on our backs. She understood the importance of recycling before it became all the rage; from collecting cans to buying our clothing from Goodwill or the Salvation’s Army. She could stretch a dollar and save enough to help someone else in need.
My
parents had unofficial agreement in regards to how they shared custody of
me. I lived full-time with my
mother. However on the weekends my time
was split between my mother’s and my father’s.
At age 7 or 8, after experiencing a couple of weekends when my father
did not show up to pick me up; I decided
to take the matter into my own little hands and journey using mass transit to
where he was living to see him. My
mother, father and I had taken the route several times, and so I was familiar
with it. I also received my own little
allowance so I knew how much the bus was and that I could afford it. At that time, NYC transit fare was under a
dollar!
In essence because of my experiences when it was time for me to move out on my own; I honestly did not want to ask my parents for anything. They had already done so much I did not want to burden them. I had to come home early from school however due to a financial reason. That experience sealed the deal for me even more.
From that point on, I had been in the driver’s seat of my life. When I rededicated my life to Christ in 2004 I did relinquished the controls to Jesus, but just like everyone there are still times when I wanted to take the wheel back and ended up crashing and burning!
Now I am married and have gone through premarital counseling and understand the importance of submitting to my husband.
I married a man of God. So submitting to him is not difficult and I have already experienced some scenarios where when I did submit seemly impossible things became possible. On the flipside, I have also experienced when I was slow in my obedience or submitting all things to him all heck wanted to break lose!
Hey it’s only been less than 50 days since we were Wed I am still applying what I have learned!
So to answer the question above; who is in the driver’s seat in my relationship with my husband? He is. Yet God is in the driver’s seat in both our lives.
Team G.O.A.L. (God, Oji and Lela)
22 Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV
© 2012 Lela Jefferson Fagan – http://www.memoirsofablackgirl.com
I have thought long and hard about what would be the topic of my first
posting since getting married earlier this month. There were so many little funny and
miraculous stories that I could have shared that led up to our covenant
ceremony and the two weeks since. I know
at some point I will share them. However,
taking a moment to look at my husband as he sat at the computer and very
casually displayed his ring finger sealed the deal for me. The man was just plain sexy! And YES I just had to tell him. There is something about a man that is
confident in who he is and in Christ and has made the decision to share his
life with another.
When my husband and I each said “I DO” we promised to forsake all
others outside of God for the family we were to create. For us that moment was 3 years in the
making. The knowledge I have that he first
befriended me, pursued, courted and went through counseling so he could have a
better understanding of how God wanted him to care for me; gave me his name to
share and the honor to bare and raise his children; blesses me so much.
To me my spouse is the ultimate symbol of sexiness and YOURS
should be to you too!
©
2012 Lela Jefferson Fagan – http://www.memoirsofablackgirl.com
About three years ago, I blogged about a book I read called “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World” by Joanna Weaver. A sister-friend of mine highly recommended it to me. My friend, I will call her “Mary” for the purpose of this piece. Like the biblical figure to this day she exhibits characteristics that mirror that of Mary; the ultimate worshipper desiring only to lie at the Master’s feet and serve him in excellence with a pure heart.
To tell you the truth I don’t know who outside of the Holy Spirit could have motivated my modern day Mary to recommend this particular book to me. It was such an on time read. Just 6 months earlier I had been released from my last full-time ministry position and I had begun serving only three months after that again in volunteer ministry leadership. I was looking for new fulltime employment, working on writing my first book “Poetry of a Black Girl Volume One: The Darkness and the Light” and had begun a renewed platonic WORD based friendship with my now fiancé. A lot was happening in my world.
Taking the time out to read the book and other similar titles was really beneficial to my personal and spiritual development.
After I was released I began the process of getting my focus back on track and rediscovering God’s purpose for my life. One of the first books I actually picked up and read thoroughly was Joyce Meyer’s “Approval Addiction”. Next was a series of titles by Dr. John C. Maxwell “The Winning Attitude”, “The Difference Maker” and “Being a People Person”. I also began to read over some of my favorite books of the Bible in different translations, Samuel 1 and 2, Kings 1, Kings 2, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job, Proverbs and 1 and 2 Corinthians. I rented Christian movies only from Netflix and dug deep in my personal message archives keeping on repeat messages on topics like Grace, Humility, Anger, gaining wisdom from God and dealing with emotions.
Looking back with hindsight I can honestly say at that particular time in my life, I felt as if I had something to prove; to myself, God and to all my haters. My haters were not actual people; they were feelings of failure, disappointment, shame and mistrust. Feelings I no longer wanted to have.
I was so hungry for the WORD. I was Martha reformed and what I desired more than anything was busying myself getting to know my Lord more.
© 2012 Lela Jefferson – http://www.memoirsofablackgirl.com
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